Sunday, March 15, 2009

I'm Trying to Save TV!!!

I'm Trying to Save TV!!!

Lost, the Office, Mythbusters, Ghost Hunters, and myself have all agreed to try to make TV better for the braindead civilians that need it. We understand that for there to be stars, there has to be a bunch of mindless jerks that have to watch/ pay cash money to see our brilliance. Me, Sayid, Adam, Grant, and Dwight were all laughing about this together, when they all agreed that I was the best and I needed my own show. I feined like I thought they were just being nice for awhile, but then I whole-heartedly agreed. So, watch it!

TXW Main EventWed Nights
Knoxville Comcast Channel 12
Charter Channel 6

The future of Television depends on it!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Top 5 Techniques for Sexy Physiques

Believe in the Funk!

TXW now has some new trainees and of course I hear non stop about my superior physique. Coming off my excellent win over Juggalo Drake and Demetria this Saturday, I have decided to share upon the newbees and the rest of the intelligent wrestling world my "Funkmaster Five (Get it... 5 = V in Roman Numerals?.... imbeciles) Secrets to a Championship Physique.

1) People say foods like chicken skin, pasta, chocolate, trans fat, lard, corn syrup, Fritos, cookies, cream cheese and cheese are not good for your body. Those people are called Communists. I try to get at least 6 servings a day of each for a healthy, shiny coat. I'm not perfect.... sometimes I fall short of my goal of 6 a day... but keep trying. No one says beauty is easy.

2) Exercise? Ha! I need every ounce of energy I can scramble up wrestling the TXW roster... do you think I'm gonna waste any energy doing palates with your fat butt at some gym listening to 90's techno? Also, don't try to lure me by saying your instructor uses Funk music for the class, either. I can almost promise you half of that crap is probably disco.

3) Don't shave your body hair. God gave it to you for a reason. Besides, if I get an infestation of camel fleas again, I want them in my chest hair where I can see them and not below the waistline, if you catch my drift.

4) I bathe in calves milk three times a week to remove any pigment. Ladies love the pasty white skin and dark hair and how it shimmers under the florescent lights. Don't believe me? Watch all of the eyes of the women in the crowd as I prance to the ring next time. See?

5) Every night before bed, I scream in Korean "Dear God, make the voices stop!" as I punch myself in the genitalia until I black out from the pain. I'm not sure what this does... but you can't argue with the result. Besides, it's a habit I picked up from mom.

I hope this helps you as much as it helps me. Actually, I hope you injure yourself badly. That way I'm that much closer to the title with your happy rear out of the way.

High five for Jesus,