Sunday, August 30, 2009

Detroit Funk City is Here

Now, This is What I'm Talkin' Bout!

AUG 30th 2009
What can I say? What can I SAY? I told all of you mooks for months and months that the Lovely Beth was going to come back to me one day! I told you! And now look where she is! With me and the Demon in the best group to invade Wrestling in the last 300 years! Detroit Funk City! It didn't take much coaxing, but Beth O Mac is now going by Beth O Funk, dressing a little bit fancier, caring less about the dumb wrestling fans, and I must say, bringing back the Funk-vibe like it's 1972 all over again. My wife and kids haven't been happier! Beth makes great brownies, cleans the house better than my wife, and knows dozens of knock knock jokes. Life is peachy!

And also, why win the Tag Team Belts.... when you can steal them? I have cost Bob O Mac everything in wrestling.... his wife, his ribs, his belts, his clean reputation... blah blah blah. Time to retire, greenie! Do it before I hurt you worse! Watch this video, Bob! It's over 4 u! Believe in the Funk!!!

The TV show is still strong, and we are still on Thursday nights. THURSDAYS, IDIOTS. 

Saturday, June 27, 2009

At Least I Have a Nice Butt

At Least I Have a Nice Butt

June 27th 2009
Well, this has been one of the worst months in my life. After crushing the rookie Dwayne Windham with ease, TXW felt inclined to fire my friend, the Commissioner Billy Marshall from a power position that he has held for over a year and assign the responsibilty of that position to that nerd, rouge, hill billy David Branson. He then illegally stripped me and Team Ruff Cutt of their titles, and I cry foul. My team of lawyers are still looking into it. The show on July 18th is illegal, too. There is no way that 12 people should scramble for what is rightfully mine. I took it hard.... real hard.... watch my meltdown...

TXW Wrestling: The Reverend concerned for Funkmaster V

Regardless... the TV show is still strong, and we are moving to Thursday nights. THURSDAYS, IDIOTS. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Still the Champ!

Still the Champ!

June 2nd 2009
I told you that I would vanquish the Buggy Boy, and I did. Confusing him with logic and exposing him to emotional distress by attacking his shopping cart with a hacksaw proved to be invaluble, as the time limit draw with a 400 pound man is a win in my book any day of the week. I can't wait to do the TV show tomorrow either. Nothing feels as good as telling thousands of numbskulls, "I told you to believe in tha Funk!" Watch out for me at Big Mama's where I will be singing a Funk classic at the TXW vs. APWA vs. UWA event... and if someone gets salty enough, they may get sme-smashed!

Friday, April 3, 2009

I'm the Champ, Jerk-faces!!!

I'm the Champ, Jerk-faces!!!!!!!

It was always how I pictured it: Confusion, embarrassment, agony, being hit with my own expensive shoes, whipped with a belt, and boo'd. But yet, I made the Mothership proud by defeating the amazing Billy Marshall in 9 seconds... the fastest match in TXW history. Sure..... I had to bribe the champ with a sweaty envelope full of cash that I stole from relatives... the 1...2...3 was a sweet as baby's milk. Um.... mother's milk. Yuck! That's gross! I was bottlefed!

Anyway, the Television face of TXW now has the TXW Youtube TV Title. How delightfully beautiful. I love it more than my own mother. You better jump on board the Soul Train, ya'll... 'cause the Funk Nation takes no prisioners! Slide, Slide Slippity Slide... to the land of funk, to the land of funk, to the land of.... you've quit reading, haven't you?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I'm Trying to Save TV!!!

I'm Trying to Save TV!!!

Lost, the Office, Mythbusters, Ghost Hunters, and myself have all agreed to try to make TV better for the braindead civilians that need it. We understand that for there to be stars, there has to be a bunch of mindless jerks that have to watch/ pay cash money to see our brilliance. Me, Sayid, Adam, Grant, and Dwight were all laughing about this together, when they all agreed that I was the best and I needed my own show. I feined like I thought they were just being nice for awhile, but then I whole-heartedly agreed. So, watch it!

TXW Main EventWed Nights
Knoxville Comcast Channel 12
Charter Channel 6

The future of Television depends on it!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Top 5 Techniques for Sexy Physiques

Believe in the Funk!

TXW now has some new trainees and of course I hear non stop about my superior physique. Coming off my excellent win over Juggalo Drake and Demetria this Saturday, I have decided to share upon the newbees and the rest of the intelligent wrestling world my "Funkmaster Five (Get it... 5 = V in Roman Numerals?.... imbeciles) Secrets to a Championship Physique.

1) People say foods like chicken skin, pasta, chocolate, trans fat, lard, corn syrup, Fritos, cookies, cream cheese and cheese are not good for your body. Those people are called Communists. I try to get at least 6 servings a day of each for a healthy, shiny coat. I'm not perfect.... sometimes I fall short of my goal of 6 a day... but keep trying. No one says beauty is easy.

2) Exercise? Ha! I need every ounce of energy I can scramble up wrestling the TXW roster... do you think I'm gonna waste any energy doing palates with your fat butt at some gym listening to 90's techno? Also, don't try to lure me by saying your instructor uses Funk music for the class, either. I can almost promise you half of that crap is probably disco.

3) Don't shave your body hair. God gave it to you for a reason. Besides, if I get an infestation of camel fleas again, I want them in my chest hair where I can see them and not below the waistline, if you catch my drift.

4) I bathe in calves milk three times a week to remove any pigment. Ladies love the pasty white skin and dark hair and how it shimmers under the florescent lights. Don't believe me? Watch all of the eyes of the women in the crowd as I prance to the ring next time. See?

5) Every night before bed, I scream in Korean "Dear God, make the voices stop!" as I punch myself in the genitalia until I black out from the pain. I'm not sure what this does... but you can't argue with the result. Besides, it's a habit I picked up from mom.

I hope this helps you as much as it helps me. Actually, I hope you injure yourself badly. That way I'm that much closer to the title with your happy rear out of the way.

High five for Jesus,

Saturday, February 21, 2009

First Chump List of 2009

Believe in the Funk!

Now, there comes a time in your life when you can sit back and laugh outloud at some fool that you made look like a big dummy in front of a radio personality, tons of kids, and a man in a bee suit. That stupid Juggalo Drake is a waste of roster space, and I can't wait for me and Demetria to send him straight out the door on Feb 28th. I don't know Demetria too well, but I'm sure I can swindle, I mean influence him/her to join up with me to pounce him on his head a few times. I'm sure Demetria will let me win the match, too... since he/she was appreciative of the balloon animal hoax we pulled on Juggalo Drake.

Also, tonight I will win those awesome looking ECB Tag Team Championship as I replace Ryan Luther to tag alongside ECB co-owner Bobby Rayne. I'll help the big fella win those back and make Bob O Mac look like a schmuck at the same time. 

Current Chump List

1) Bob O Mac
This guy always underestimates me, and out of 6 matches with him, he has only beat me once. Talk about a chump: my last match with him ended with the ref ending the match with him in the Figure Four. HA HA HA. I LOVE IT. His wife still loves me too.

2) Jerry Lee
What's this guy's deal with this guy getting paid to chop people? My last match with him ended with me getting chopped 31 times! Why pay him? Pay me! I have to go back to the Mothership and explain to Funkmaster J what happened. Believe me, that's worse than 31 Jerry Lee chops.

3) Buggy Boy
My car got scratched bad this Christmas AGAIN! Why do people cheer this jerk? I know he did it! At least within 70-80 percent...

4) Tyson Daly
This talking cigarette never should have pinned me.... it was a fluke. I'm glad I broke him in half and sprinkled him to the audience in our last match. Should have prayed harder, Preacher Creatures! The Funk Power trumped Dancing Sticks and noone ever has to watch that nastiness split in the ring again.

5) Juggalo Drake
Normally, I can appreciate a lazy oppurtunist like this guy, but something about the facepaint, greasy hair, bad breath, and his very short Youtube TV title reign bothers me about this guy. Sad Clowns... boo hoo.... well, at least I tried to cheer him up with some lame balloon animals last time. He got what he deserved.

From the TXW website, an announcement from me:

Bob O Mac, eat it up! These are the SUPER HOT PICS OF ME AND YOUR WIFE!!! I paid the TXW Staff CASH to get these to go up on a general website because THEY ARE SO SEXY PEOPLE MAY LEAVE THEIR HUSBANDS FOR ME!!! WOOOOO!!! FEEL THE JEALOUSY!!!!

Elicit Photos of the TRUE Nature of Funkmaster V and the Lovely Beth's Relationship!